someone else's Heart
  • blnl2k2

He talks like a Gentleman...Like you imagined when you were, Young.

Do you beleive in past lives?
Despite the fact that this concept is defined by the term "new age", it's not new to me. It's pretty silly, I suppose, considering... But, this is the only way I can think of to explain what Japan is for me, exactly.

A long time ago, I had a dream... I was in my grandmothers house, the one on Ina street, that I grew up in. I've been in that house for as long as I can remember. I was in grandma's room (which later become mine and Kate's) and looking out the window. The window always had this straight on view of the Shop. Me and kate always imagined seeing scary things when we looked out the window... But when the people who live in it now bought it, they got rid of the shop and knocked down the window and put a small door and deck there. really quite pretty, but in my mind, even more scary than the shop was. Anyways, looking out... A man in white grabs for me. I fall back. I climb into a cabinet (huge closet/cabinet thingies in that room, all of us could fit in them). I was hiding. Then I've fallen downstairs, in the basement. The furnace is going off and the floor is flooding. It used to flood all the time, and scared me a lot as a kid. Its flooding now and I drown in the bubbly water. But "No!" I'm thinking, "I have to protect them. Protect my... My... 'Children'...." and then I close my eyes and I'm someone else. A mother. THE mother. I'm running away to Japan to protect them, to keep them safe. We're in Japan and everything is white and filled with light and they're happy and safe. But then someone is calling for me... And I decide it's time to bring my children back to Ina.... My dream ends with them playing in the front yard... And everything feels just like it did in Japan.

Ever since I was a little kid, I've had this fondness for anything Japanese. Most people seem to think that this started with anime, and while my favorite movie as a child was Warriors of the Wind (the 80's dub of Miyazaki's Nausicca of the Valley of the Wind), this isn't completely true. I can always remember having a love for Japan. The culture, the language, even the way the Japanese look. Everything about that country is beautiful to me.
I read somewhere that if you have this kind of affinity for a place or even an object it's possible you had a past life there. I'm not sure I beleive this kind of thing, but when I think of Japan, it reminds me of my childhood. I guess I feel like, if I can get to Japan, I can reclaim that bittersweet feeling I had as a child....




PS. Sorry, David, for flooding your friends page.
  • Current Music
    Title and Registration
<strike>Sam's Town</strike>
  • blnl2k2

My underwear are ORANGE today.

I tried remembering my very first memory the other day. I came up with a few different results. The first few were mostly unpleasant, like when I would ask questions and get laughed at, or when I fell and cut open my arm (I ruined my favorite blouse that day, because I bled all over it), or molestation. Then I started to think harder. I remember beading bottons together at Grandma Thelma's, and petting the horse next door, and watching Warriors of the Wind with Chris, or playing with a car track in the garage....
It wasn't until we saw The Pursuit of Happyness that I really started thinking. That movie really hit a lot of notes with me, even though it really had almost nothing to do with my situation(s). I guess I'm pretty egotistical that way, finding myself in everything... But I figure for now, that's okay.
I started thinking.... What's so hard for me? Sure, I have a lot of wierd things in my life right now all the time, but so does everyone else... So, why am I making myself special? That kind of thinking... It won't help anything. I could've done a lot fo things to help myself in the past. To graduate, to get into YFU, to get accepted to SFAI.... To do alot of things. It's like Yuki said, "I could've done that..."
I get scared when I see characters like Ma in I am the Messenger or the lady in Pursuit of Happyness, because they remind me of myself. Characters who are weak. Who can't tough it out and be strong. And though the situation sucks, and it's easy to tell why they get so discouraged, in reality, they could've made it. If only they had kept going.
When I reread White Oleander during Christmas break of junior year, I called James, terrified, sobbing, because I could see how much I was like Claire, and she was so weak. I started a huge argument with him that night.
I truly despise myself for that. For being weak and not being able to understand or communicate my own feelings. For causing fights. That's what happened with Paige. It's true that she didn't make it easy for me, but I could've done better. But I was so frustrated with my life and myself that I just lashed out, because I didn't know how to properly express myself. But then, I didn't really feel like I could communicate how I felt, to anyone. Who really cared? Who cares now? Maybe it's selfish and I am egotistical, but, so is everyone else. My "isolation" isn't completely unfounded.
So... what does this all have to do with Japan??
Heh. I decided, when I was watching that movie, that I wouldn't waste time or effort anymore. I've been stuck in the past for a long time and I'm not good at saving money (I guess it's my upbringing) and I'm bitter and angry I probably won't make it to Japan for all these reasons. Well.... I'm going to try and work past all that.
I feel.... Like maybe, even if I don't make it to Japan, if I work on these things... Than maybe I'll be happy anyway. Here's to hoping.
  • Current Music
    gackt
Bah Humbug

Hahah, the title is in JPN. That's funny, right?



"This isn't a tale of heroic feats. It's about two lives running parallel for a while, with common aspirations and similar dreams. Was our view too narrow, too biased, too hasty? Were our conclusions too rigid? Maybe. Wandering around our America has changed me more than I thought. I am not me anymore, at least I'm not the same me I was."

Watching the Motorcycle Diaries made me want Japan so much. While the movie was meant to be how this man decided to bring about a Revolution, I didn't see so much that. Because like the quote says, it wasn't a tale about 'heroic feats'. This story was about a man who discovered so much about himself, his goals and the world in which he lived in.
And although I know I will never (never) change the world like this man did, I would like to beleive that going to Japan would help my life as it currently stands.
I want to beleive that David wasn't just talking like it was a whim when we were discussing going to Japan. Because it's not just a whim for me.
It's not, because my life and my goals need it.
  • Current Music
    BECK was made to HIT
Bah Humbug

(no subject)

From: Steph B [mailto:nifty_cool@hotmail.com]
Sent: Sun 6/25/2006 3:29 PM
To: YFU Admissions
Subject: Quick Question


Dear Admissions,
Perhaps it is unorthodox (I can't see why you would think otherwise), but I
have a question regarding my rejection from your program during the Spring
of 2006. I was wondering if you could divulge any information as to why I
was rejected. Again, unorthodox, but, I would like you to finish reading the
e-mail for disregarding it or sending a big, fat, "no".
The reason(s) I would like to know is because I am considering applying next
year, but, I have certain qualms about that: 1) What was the basis for
rejection? If I know this, I can improve whatever-it-is that was wrong or
not up to standards, and 2) I don't want to waste my time and another of my
blue collar family's $30 for the application. 3) I don't want to be rejected
again. It, simply, just sucks.
So, this is my reasoning behind this e-mail.
Please let it be noted, that I have a suspicion as to why I was rejected,
and that would, simply enough, be my grades. If this is in fact it, I have
only one thing to say about that. I was under the impression that going to
Japan was about interacting and living. Not school.
Thank you, if you have read this far, I genuinly appreciate it. Please give
my question the consideration it deserves.
-Stephanie Bedwell
Fairbanks, Alaska, Lathrop High School
Age 18 (as of very recently)
PS. I apoligize if I come across at rude. That was not my intention at all.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Stephanie,

Thank you for your message and your comments. Indeed, it is our biggest disappoint that we cannot offer scholarships to all qualified students. There are a number of factors that are considered during the selection process: flexibility, open-mindedness, ability to tolerate failure, motivations, etc. Students must also meet the minimum eligibility requirements set up by each scholarship program. Our scholarship selection committee has many years of experience of evaluating student applications. The scholarship that you applied for, Kikkoman National, is one of our most competitive. Out of over 200 applicants, only 3 students were chosen for this full scholarship. Many students will choose to apply for more than one scholarship, if possible, so as to increase their chances.

If you are eligible, we encourage you to apply for scholarships next year. The 2007 programs and scholarships will be updated on our website in September, so check back then for more information. We wish you the best of luck for the future.

Sincerely,

Admissions & Registration
YFU USA
www.yfu-usa.org